I woke up on July 2nd thinking it would be a monumental day we would never forget. At 1:00 that afternoon I found out it wasn’t. But then late that night I found out that I was wrong again.
Let me explain.
We have been waiting for 6 months now. Waiting for the call that will change everything – the call to inform us of who our baby will be. I feel like we’ve done a good job waiting. At first it was all I could think about. I would check my phone about 100 times a day, hoping against hope for a call from our caseworker. Not too far into the waiting phase I had to force myself to chill out. There is no way I could have kept going with that level of intensity for very long. I came to a place where I was able to really trust God with it and it changed everything for me. I decided to just forget about it and trust God to do the right thing in his timing. When I say forget about it, what I mean is that it’s not consuming my every thought. Instead of sitting in the front of my brain and zapping me of all other thoughts and draining my emotions, it’s now in the back of my brain. Never gone – definitely always there. But contained. We’re happy. We’re enjoying our lives – living each day in the present while still looking with excitement to the future.
Last Thursday while driving up a mountain road in Estes Park to my cousin’s wedding, I noticed that I had missed a call. From a Dallas area code. And there was a voicemail. To say I had a minor heart attack would not be an exaggeration. So, as we pulled into the parking lot at Della Terra Mountain Chateau (very fancy place), we heard our first ever voicemail from our caseworker, Melissa. (Eek!) I quickly called her back and found out that a birth mom had seen our profile book (Eek again!) and was very interested in us (Eek once more!). This is what we’d been waiting for! It wasn’t a done deal though. The birth mom had some questions about what level of contact we’d be comfortable with. We always knew we wanted to have contact with our child’s birth mom, so that wasn’t a problem. It was difficult though, to set out specific guidelines when we had no idea what the birth mom was interested in. I had been expecting a call saying, “We have a baby for you!”, not “We might have a baby for you if…”. Anyway, we came up with what sort of contact arrangements we would be comfortable with and let Melissa know. She said she would get back with us as soon as she heard anything. (Side note, Melissa has been amazing – always so prompt with getting back with us, replying to e-mails, etc. We had full confidence that she would let us know as soon as she knew.) Thursday evening passed by in a flurry. Before we went into the wedding we told my parents the news, called Chris’ parents to tell them, and of course my mom spread the news around to our twenty-some relatives that were at the wedding. It was so fun being with my family during such an exciting time. We thought surely we would hear back from Melissa on Friday, but we were wrong. After about 9:00 Friday evening I resigned myself to the fact that we would have to wait all. weekend. long. before we heard anything. Waiting when you know that someday you will get a baby is one thing, but waiting when you know that you could get word of your baby any possible second is a whole different ball of wax. We were thankful to be staying in Estes Park for a family reunion all weekend so we could stay busy. Monday we were back at my parents’ house getting things together for my mom’s surprise 60th birthday party (so fun!). Still no call from Melissa.
So, when I woke up on Tuesday, July 2nd, I knew this would be the day. It had to be. We had been waiting for so, so long. Just after noon my phone rang. It was Melissa. She said she was calling to tell us that the birth mom had selected another family. I said thank you and hung up the phone. It didn’t seem real. My eyes filled with tears but I didn’t cry. I just felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Kind of like a hollow place inside. The closest thing I can relate it to is hoping and praying that you’re pregnant but the test reading negative. You thought a baby was coming, but you were wrong. I sat and thought for awhile and slowly it sank in. This baby I thought would be ours won’t be. I decided to call Melissa back. I wanted to know why. She didn’t know why the birth mom decided to pick the other family, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. Her baby wasn’t meant to be ours.
As the day went on, I felt better about things. My heart began listening to my head, or maybe it was the other way around. I remembered what I had learned at the very beginning – God’s timing is perfect and my life is better when I trust him. So I decided to try. Even though this day wouldn’t change our lives forever, it was still a good day. God is still in control and he still loves me. So the day passed.
As we were putting Claire to bed that night, I read her a Berenstain Bears book. Claire asked if the bears have Jesus in their hearts. Then she asked me if I have Jesus in my heart and asked Chris if he has Jesus in his heart. Then she asked if she has Jesus in her heart. Chris explained that she could have Jesus in her heart if she wanted to ask him. She said she did and we prayed with her to accept Christ. It was such a sweet, beautiful moment as Claire asked in her 3 year old voice for Jesus to be her friend forever and ever. So, July 2nd did turn out to be a monumental day we will never forget. It didn’t go exactly the way I had planned, and we were disappointed in the midst of it. And although we didn’t add another child to our family, our sweet child was added to the family of God. It doesn’t get any better than that.