When we first started the adoption process and people asked how things were going, it was so fun to answer. I could proudly say, “Great! We just finished our application!” or “Our home study is next week!” or “We’re almost done with our profile books!”. Now the answer is always the same, “We’re just waiting.” I guess we should say, “We’re just waiting. And praying for our baby every day. And imagining what he or she will look like. And trying not to worry about everything that’s out of our control. And jumping when the phone rings because we could get THE call any day,” We’re just waiting.
How do I wait patiently when I know that our child is probably out there somewhere, growing as a little embryo in someone else’s womb? How do I wait patiently when I have no control over when we find out about our child’s very existence? How do I wait patiently when I’m already in love with a child and I have no idea where he is?
The answer is so simple, but probably the hardest thing in the world for me to do. Trust.
When we wanted to get pregnant the first time, the waiting was almost unbearable. For a year and a half we thought about our baby, dreamed about our baby, prayed for there to be a baby. People asked when we would start a family. We would laugh nervously and say, “Oh, sometime soon” when inside I was screaming I don’t know, and I’m scared to death about it! How many times did I beg God for this to be the month, this to be his perfect timing? How many times did the test read negative? How many times did I get angry at God? How many times did I feel hopeless?
And then, finally, I was pregnant. The excitement of that news was thrilling beyond belief. And 9 months later, when our precious girl was born, it all became so clear. If I had gotten pregnant at any other time, in any other month, our baby wouldn’t have been…Claire. All the waiting, all the tears, all the wondering, gave us our sweet baby girl.
Now we are waiting in a different way, yet it’s exactly the same. Again, everything is out of our control. Again, everything is in his hands. Again, we wait. This time we’re waiting for a phone call instead of 2 pink lines, but still for a baby. Not just any baby – OUR baby, THE baby. Just as Claire was destined to be our child, so this baby is destined to be.
So, we will wait. I know I won’t wait perfectly, but this time I will try to trust more, rest in him more, worry less. And when we lay eyes on our precious baby for the first time, I know it will all make sense. And the waiting will be worth it.